The True Smile
by Ciara-Dragon
Summary: The War is over, with many casualties - Kanda among them. Half a year after, Allen visits the ruins of the Arcs, finding something unexpected... yullen ONESHOT, semi-AU


/ -man semi-AU oneshot: yullen

DA Yullen-Club Secret Valentine for wooooooooooxj, meaning this was originally posted to DA.

A/N: Contains a little bit of angst and is a little late for I got too emerged in thinking and planning it after the school things were over with. Sorry. :O But I hope you (all) like my Valentine, anyway. :')

I even specifically came back to edit the liners to this version here in ff. :'D/

* * *

**The true smile**

What had been normal didn't apply much anymore. After all had been dealt with, even the smallest of the smallest things had golden rims. Looking up to the sky and seeing the snow falling, the white bits like petals or like pure, glittering diamonds in the lowest temperatures. Looking down at the ground and seeing the same white things sticking together in an endless maze, a mattress of blinding white when the sun peeked around the clouds of winter.

Allen took a few steps, sighing. He had to hold his hands fisted in the cold; his pockets were useless after rolling in the snow, since they were filled with the peculiar substance. He stopped at the peak of the rubble, raising his hand to shade his eyes from the brightness of the world around. It seemed like ordinary Scandinavian landscape of the winter months, pines the only things with anything green on them, forests large and the shape of the hills and lakes made rounder by the snow. You could recognize some flat areas as lakes by the sheer size of low grounds, but it was hard to tell where the lake ended and the field began.

It was impossible to make your steps quiet in this kind of a world, so he could well hear the feet of the others, making footprints in the growing masses of snow.

"You'd never know you're standing on something that once flew", Lavi stated, smiling, albeit a small hint of sadness in his voice.

"If you consider the Arcs anything that actually flew…" Lenalee noted, her tone clearly that of sadness. Even though half a year had already passed since the battle finale of their lifetime, she still mourned the dead on every breath she took, even admitting to sympathize with the Noah and Millennium Earl. Such gentleness was astounding, considering her brother had been lost among many others.

"'Bet they never knew what happened here…" Lavi thought aloud, referring to the village they were staying at. Allen nodded, turning to look at his comrades. It was crazy all three of them had survived, after all the other side put them through. He smiled his usual smile, winking:

"That's the point of secret war, you know – never let the civilians know anything more than they need to."

Both nodded, smiling their own, very alike smiles. All three of them were still faking happiness. Sure, immediately after awaking this morning, they had come out and played in the snow for hours like little kids. Sure they had laughed so much their stomachs hurt. But here, both Lavi and Allen felt the same sadness cloud their hearts as Lenalee always did.

Komui was dead. Miranda was dead. Link was dead… the list continued forever.

Kanda was…dead.

Kanda…

It hurt even more than it ought to. Allen never knew he had fallen this seriously. It was like some ridiculous act from a novel, unsustainable ideal of someone else's. He turned back to look at the sharp-edged ruins of the arcs, fallen here half a year ago as the Noah souls went to sleep again. Having sealed all 14 of them, they had managed to save one of the Third Exorcists as well…but Kanda, his regeneration ability had been overpowered by the 14th…

Basically, it had been Allen that killed him.

"Yuu-chan never liked life that much, you know. I bet he's somewhere in a personal corner, having perfect soba and smiling", Lavi said, trying to imitate his lost ability to make jokes. Well, he had been recovering that part of himself during these past few months the three of them had been free to go and do as they pleased. A quiet "ouch" told Allen plenty, Lenalee had probably elbowed the redhead. It was difficult. At the same time, he really wanted to join the joke, at least say he had no idea if Kanda even _could_ smile, but he also felt like punching the redhead or blocking his ears. It was painful to know all this pain.

_Hadn't Mana been enough? Did I have to lose that swordsman, too?_

They stayed there for half an hour, quiet, until the cold had already sneaked in their bones and they turned to return to the inn. When would the sadness be completely lifted?

* * *

Allen stepped on his footprints from yesterday, sighing. The snow wasn't the same it was yesterday, it was warmer now, and it had become compressed and when you stepped on it, it didn't make the same kind of loud noise it did when it was colder.

"The earth isn't screaming today, huh…" he said to himself, pulling a new snack from his pocket – this time, it was a salty pocky. The white-haired 20-year-old sat down, dangling his feet from the cliff of the white arc's highest tower. He closed his eyes and drifted into a dream-like state, wishing to create a lie for this one moment, a lie in which everyone was alive and well.

"Why…is the sky still blue…?"

"Well, the Order's knowledge proved useful for civilians, too, so they don't use charcoal that dims the air anymore…"

"No…not that. Didn't…didn't the fucking sky turn black for forever?"

"Not that I know… And hey, it's not 'fucking' sky, either, everyone was born under this sky, so don't call it names like you have a right to!"

"Well I wasn't."

"What?"  
"Born under the sky."  
"Oh yeah, I guess that's true in a way…but even you are from this planet…"

"Che, you're always so damn sentimental, Moyashi."

It should have been silence, but it turned out filled with a loud, shocked and questioning scream. The Exorcist of Crown Clown, Allen Walker, activated his Innocence and supported by the white cloth, flew from the cliff and turned around to look for the source of the voice…only to be confronted by a black sword pointed at him, overgrown black hair as silky and perfect as ever, those sharp, deep blue eyes locked onto him.

"It's ALLEN", the moyashi shouted, angry yet thrilled to the bone, electricity from back then having returned to his veins, humane emotions pushing him for more. Kanda's eyes set fire at the reply he got, and he growled like a beast before launching at the flying albino.

Hoping it wasn't a dream was futile. Since all the blood they drained from each other was very real.

* * *

After having been rudely kicked apart by Dark Boots and held away from each by force for many weeks, it was almost luxurious to sit in a café near the hospital, sipping tea and throwing angry remarks about everything personal. Because they both felt the luxury, they didn't really even have to hold back to keep them from starting a bigger fight, but nothing stopped them from bickering.

Kanda had been a subject of various tests and under close watch for this whole time between them returning to Britain from Sweden and yesterday. Since the first thing they had done when they met at the ruins had been fighting, Allen had had to keep his distance. The younger Exorcist had no idea about any results concerning this Second, except for the clear fact that he was _alive_ though he had been proved dead and he was _healthy_ and in _good condition_. So he had appeared on the man's new home's steps and told him they would now go and sit in a nice café nearby. Kanda had agreed after a small shout-out, which was something to be thankful for.

"You ought to finally learn my name, you corpse", Allen mumbled, staring at his empty cup of tea. How did Kanda manage to lengthen his so far even though he spoke less than Allen? The answer he got was of course merely a "_che"_, all he'd ever expected.

"…You could at least tell me how you survived."

"Why should I?" the words were cold, but not as distant as usually. Allen had paid extra to get the Japanese his favorite tea just the way he liked it, so he had probably scored some points. Not that it made the low voice any less intimidating.

"Because you owe me at least much…"

"Owe? You're the one that damn killed me, and now you're saying _I'm_ the one that owes _you_?"

Allen paled. He had actually forgotten how sharp Kanda's tongue could be. The blue eyes caught the scene this was turning into and for a second, Kanda hesitated and then gave up – without losing his icy demeanor of course.

"Okay, I'll tell you, no need to start with the tears, idiot. Basically, I never really died; what actually happened was that 14th broke the DNA in most of my vital organs and thus the regeneration took time to work properly. I still had intact DNA left in the cells of my brains, though, since I never took a direct hit to the skull, so the regeneration started there and took fucking long."

_So that's why his hair has grown so amazingly long, his head was the first part to function normally_, Allen thought to himself, but he quickly hid the thought as he still felt guilty. It had been his fault the whole thing had occurred, anyway.

"It's been…8 months today since the…it happened…" Allen swallowed, before asking: "How long…have you been there, recovered but alone?"

"I've been conscious of my surroundings for about two months. _Oi_, stop it with the tears, I wasn't _LONELY_", the harshness of Kanda's voice was maybe trembling just a little bit as the tears had finally started falling down the white-haired Exorcist's cheeks. Allen squeezed his teacup tightly and let his now clearly longer locks of white cover his watering eyes. He had to let it out.

"…Kanda, I… At that time, I hadn't seen anything but darkness for a long while…I had heard all the sounds and felt what my body felt, but the 14th had clouded my vision, and then I… At that moment when you were there, I heard you calling my name, I thought I heard you really say my name, _Allen_, and I somehow pushed through and all I saw was your body falling down toward the street so far below… It was… I felt like I died, I knew all the blood on me was yours, it was horrible! I wish I had words for it and I wish I knew more Japanese so I could tell this to you in your language but I seriously…seriously lost it there, I lost…my heart and my mind went…away… Because it was too late, I knew I'd hear you hit that hard street soon so my ears went locked and I didn't even hear my heartbeat all the melody of the 14th…"

Allen paused for a minute, hitting his head slowly, twice, to the cold glass of the café's table, and then grabbing his hair with both hands, pulling the overgrown white mass to create physical pain equivalent to the spiritual one.

"Then when everything had been taken care of, when I finally felt 14th falling into sleep, I wanted to look for you, but I was stupid…both the Arcs had fallen, side to side, pieces scattered atop one another, and to a remote area in Scandinavia! It was early spring when I came and I had nothing with me, no tools whatsoever, and Crown Clown was still bound away… I wanted to find you so much! I knew I'd recognize you, even if it was just a bloody lock of hair or something worse of a mess I'd see, I knew I'd recognize you, and I knew I wanted to find you, but I couldn't! I couldn't even turn over the smallest pieces of the white Arc, I was weak: it was too soon after the fight but… I couldn't stop looking for you…until Lenalee and Lavi came, and they took me away when I was unconscious, and I never got back here to look again before last month…" his voice had turned weak, he was sobbing now and then, his usually so open posture had turned into the opposite. Kanda could only watch and listen, maybe he too could feel how it was Allen who needed to let all this out.

"…I…I know you don't want to hear this nor do you have any interest in the matter in general, but I…you see, I think I realize why it's been so hard to stay awake, to talk, to do _anything_, lately, and I know why it still hurts this much, I… I know I care for you more than others, in a different way than for everyone else, see, I think I really _do_ love you after all. Don't say anything I know this sounds so stupid, man, I didn't even mean to say it like this, but it's just that…with Mûgen missing and you hardly having even moved in and all, it's a mess even without me going all emotional like this, I… I'm sorry I let you get killed. I'm sorry I feel like this—"

_**SMACK!**_

Allen almost fell off his chair from the force of the fist contacting with his black, gloved hand that had been ripping white hair. His whole body felt the tremor and as if the whole situation wasn't strange enough as it changed every ten minutes, he knew this was meant Kanda disapproved of something he had said. It didn't mean "Go Die" like usually, it meant…

"Shut up", Kanda snarled, his voice was grumbling so low and beastlike Allen almost felt himself shrink. Kanda was mad. Not in a way Allen was used to, with all the killing hatred, but in a…lecturing way. Like Allen had just said soba included no noodles. By now they had no doubt scared all the few people in the small café and its owners as well.

As no lecture came in the first three minutes, Allen slowly raised his eyes to search for the face of the Second, worried. It wasn't exactly Kanda's style to lecture anyway, so he could not imagine what would be happening now. And, instead of seeing him on the opposite side of the table, Allen found him standing almost next to him, looking pissed and…was that sadness? No, it was hidden too well, whatever it was.

"Kanda…"

"_Moyashi_, I've had enough of this shit of yours. You've always had the habit babbling longsome sad stories."

"But…that's my life I talk about…" Allen was a little hurt now, but Kanda's expression really made him forget about his state of mind for now.

"You say you're sorry you killed me, but _look_, I am _not_ dead. I'm well alive and that's likely because it was _you_ 14th was using as a vessel. On top of that, WAKE UP, you airheaded moron. It wasn't you who blew me off that roof, it was _the damn Noah._ Just accept it: your body was being controlled and we all knew that", the tall man turned and leant on the table, so close Allen could touch him if only he had the willpower or strength to.

It took a long while for him to start and even then the words were hushed and sounded like they were pulled out of Kanda's mouth by sheer force, but he then took on the challenging task of answering Allen's shabby confession:

"You… You say you love me. …I…do not have the right to judge that, and neither does anyone in this world. Moyashi, aren't you the one of us who has always been clear on what you are and what makes you yourself? If you say…you carry that emotion then I should believe you. It's damn rare for you to actually be honest anyway. What I want to say it, you… I…

…You didn't hear wrong back then.

I did say your name. Call for it.

I didn't do it to cause you such pains by letting you see what had been done; I did it because…it was instinct. I really preferred your face to 14ths, ugly as you are with that old man's hair and that shady scar and those eyes of some female. You are…not unimportant to me.

But I'm not saying I'm gonna start going out with you or any shit like that, you hear me? I'd rather draw out your guts and write NO with your damn red blood! All I'm saying I can bare with you feeling whatever way you do as long as you accept this is all you're getting."

The younger Exorcist stared at the dark-haired for a longer while and then little by little his eyes started to shine like they used to before the ending battles of the War and his lips quirked upward to a small grin.

"That's more than I ever expected to have, Kanda. Thank you."

The snow that had been falling through the day had at some point of the long talk stopped, now the sky was clearing a bit and the cold wind was blowing up the hill from the sea. The two Exorcists stayed there, Kanda leaning to the table clad in a long, white and dark blue overcoat and a black muffler, in his heavy-looking shoes, and Allen, in a coat similar in design but only up to his thighs and instead of dark blue, there were golden yellow and light blue designs over it and the neck was high so could do without a muffler. There, in the café near the hospital and Kanda's new apartment, they stayed for a longer while, until parting ways without many words, to opposite directions.

* * *

**EPILOGUE**

Coming here was a yearly tradition already; they were well known in the village now and always welcomed with warmth. Well, they were useful to the townspeople during their stay after all – helping here and there and keeping the children company…ah well, that was mainly done by the more open one, of course, the other never spoke many words though he did some work, too.

Allen's feet took him easily to the entrance of their secret tunnel. He had learned that it wasn't just some miracle Kanda had survived those two months he had been conscious: the tunnels that had been created by debris and pieces of buildings that had by some miracle survived the fall of the Arcs, were actually well ventilated and peculiar enough, also warm when you went deep enough. On their annual visits, they had come to bring things to make the place more comfortable, and the area they had made into a room now included a bed made of a pile of sheets, blankets and pillows, carpets on the floor that had once been a wall filled with windows, an okay "fireplace" of tiles and stone beside a big pile of wood, and some cooking equipment and dry food for those times you might need it.

The bed had turned into just one after that especially cold winter week they had stayed here two years ago; they had had to stay close to share what little warmth they had. Nowadays, it was just natural to sleep together, with all its effects on them.

"Hey, your hand is cold…" Allen noted, as he let himself be pulled behind the heavy curtain they called "the door".

"Big surprise, it's your doing after all", Kanda answered, sounding annoyed. It had to be Allen's fault, who else could possibly get him to turn a proper training session into a…snowball fight? Or whatever the hell it had been they were doing in the snow. Allen's chuckle was muffled by Kanda's free hand as he had known it was coming.

"_Oi_, don't you there laugh when you're guilty as charged."

Allen slipped from both of the little bit taller man's hands to untie their shoes and Kanda went on to take off Allen's stupid-looking beanie hat and his own light blue scarf. The hat was a gift from Lavi and so were the gloves Kanda had been wearing. The that usagi wanted to give them matching clothes was beyond Kanda, but Allen's little pouting face popped into his mind whenever he tried to get rid of the pieces of winter wear.

They continued to strip each other and themselves from the heavy and warm seasonal clothing and even the top parts of the inner layers. They didn't really speak much, just smacked each other for no apparent reason or spoke with gestures and faces only. They ate some crackers and drank water and lit a fire, cleaned the place a little before settling down on their makeshift bed.

"You know what's a little funny", Allen was the first to speak, as usual, "Wherever we go, I always feel like saying 'It's nice to be home'. Even here…"

"Che…you are an idiot after all", was all the answer he got in verbal communication, but Kanda's arms were strong when they pulled him close and he smelled…amused now that Allen's nose was basically poking his abs. Allen smiled, turning his face so could rest his cheek against the other and still be able to peek at the face of his handsome lover. Kanda was looking back at him, his cobalt eyes half covered by darkness as all the light they had came from the small fire at the direction of their feet. He smiled and pulled himself to eyelevel with the man, placing a light kiss on his jaw.

His eyes fluttered closed at the distance Kanda swiftly closed up, and gladly kissing back every time their lips touched, Allen already knew he was going to be made willing to have it all tonight. Not that he would let the swordsman get the better of him just like this, he already had enough experience for him to be able to agitate the beast slumbering inside the routines and discipline the other lived by. He could feel the warmth spreading around his skin when he decided to add in the words he had longed to say for all the five years after he confessed:

"_Tadaima, Yu_."

_I'm home._

"_Okaerinasai…Allen_."

_Welcome home._

* * *

/ A/N: So that's it. Very oneshot-like, kinda weird, OOC because I simply had no space to add all the details and because Kanda's view of things would've made the whole fic M-rated (mainly by the excessive swearing and gore), but all in all I'm satisfied.

The theme I chose from wooooooooooxj's list was the "calm winter" one, but I probably didn't fill any expectations…sorry for that. _ (I always break the rules…) Ah, but anyway, I hope everyone who ever read this enjoyed it at least a little. x3 Drop a comment/review if you have anything to say AT ALL. x'D /


End file.
